Everything is relative
Where to start? I lost a son to cancer 2 years ago, and my husband passed away 6 months later. My son, A.J. was a three time Olympian (luge -Great Britain) and had just completed 3 years of training to become a commercial pilot complete with all instrument courses (he would have finished in 2 years but with Covid everything was put on hold). He had been hired to be a pilot instructor so he could complete his 1500 hours of required training prior to be hired by an airline. How do we cope? A well-known radio host, Mark Simone ( WOR110) has said that no one wants to hear of anyone’s personal stories regarding coping and wonders why so many wish to write books about their personal stories. He has said that people might perhaps feel others want to hear about what happened to them but not so, but acknowledged that it is a catharsis of sorts, and perhaps that is why I feel compelled to put my thoughts to paper. Plus, I have heard from so many people who have gone through losses, and they have all felt a desire to recount their stories. When I would see associates over the months thereafter, I could see that some didn’t know how to act towards me. Should they say something? Avoid me? Hug me? I would smile to try and put them at ease. One thing I do know though is that everyone goes through their own personal challenges, and it is okay to share.
The well-known Chinese actor, Jackie Chan said something so true that has stayed with me. His name which translates to “already a dragon” was born poor, and worked so hard to become the well-known and beloved star he is today, but he so wisely states that no matter how hard you think you have it, “what you are experiencing”, others have it worse. You might not like your home but you have one, you might not like the dinner you eat but you have food, and so forth. I am being simplistic here, but his message was that there is always someone worse off than us, and to bear that in mind. He is a wonderful example of someone who worked so hard and who has achieved so much. He was also dyslexic and since my son, A.J. was dyslexic, I was drawn to Mr. Chan’s story.
I was pregnant many years ago with a trisomy 9 baby. I was told I was not carrying life and needed to abort the baby as it would only endanger my life – there was no life within me. I already had 2 sons, Mark and A.J. and had been busy making puppets for a school play when I heard the news. I forget the play but I recall designing, making and sewing a wolf’s head and was proud of my effort silly as that was.
After being informed that I needed to abort the fetus, I went into the city to have the abortion, and after the procedure, I was sitting with other ladies who had just had the medical procedure too. There was a lady from Egypt and I so remember her. She explained how she had watched her 2-year-old son die slowly from an inherited disease, and after she found out her new pregnancy also has the potential to have the same disease, she opted for the abortion as she couldn’t bear the thought that the unborn child would inherit that same disease. She could not watch another child die. She was in her early 40’s and she didn’t know if she would ever get pregnant again, but that was the choice she made/had to make. How could I feel sorry for myself upon hearing her story? I had 2 children, and I could get pregnant again. Perhaps not in her case. One comment, however, stayed with me at the time . A parent said to me that I have 2 other children and so all good. Don’t ever say that to someone. A loss is always a loss and should never be written off in a hap hazard way. People always need to be acknowledged and their pain validated. How they handle that pain is up to them. We can offer caring in many ways to console.
So many thoughts go through my mind on coping. Watching my son slowly die was so painful. So terribly painful. As a mother, you deny. My whole family was denying, but I felt it was up to me to hold everything together, to fight for his life and to put on a brave smiling face. I could not crumble. My husband passed away 6 months later with a broken heart I feel.
Westchester is great!
